[Cello playing]
MAN: I think you should know that this is not my wife
and I'm not really interested in classical music.
I--I just made a huge mistake.
It's the kind of mistake that any married man might make
after 25 years, but believe me,
I can promise you, this will never happen again.
[Laughter and chatter]
One bad rodeo clown ruins the whole barrel.
It was a bad year for grapes...
[Gasps]
Oh! Oh!
That looks so great.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, and I'm going to make a little toast, if I may.
To our friends-- to our good friends.
Our best friends.
Best friends-- to our best friends.
This is in celebration of 25 years of marriage.
Perfect marriage.
And--
and in anticipation of 25 more years like it.
Oh, that's sweet. I love you.
[Clink]
OK, blow 'em out, pal.
OK, come on. Blow, blow, blow, blow.
Oh!
It's a light cake.
Look at his nose.
* Yeah, man, come on *
* Ah, yes
[Honk honk]
Eh, bonjour. Welcome back, Mrs Stoddard.
Can I help you with any of that stuff?
Nice to see you again.
[Ruff]
PORTER: Just bring it in here.
Missed him. Hi.
Hi, Yolanda. Hello.
TOM: Hiya, Dad.
Hey!
How are you? How was it?
Oh, it was great!
Great.
You want to help us with these things?
Yeah. I'm on the phone with Holly. She's coming for dinner.
Who's Holly?
She's a friend of mine. You're gonna like her.
Good. Holly.
What happened to Miranda?
What happens to any of them? They turn 18.
They're old, they're wrinkled, they're discarded.
Hi! Hi!
Hi, Mom. Did you have a good time?
Such a good time. Wait till you see what I got.
There's a person in the kitchen.
That's Omar.
It's Omar, Porter.
You remember Omar, Dad.
Oh, yeah. Omar. Omar.
Omar! Come say hello.
Hello, Omar.
You know, he's shy.
Don't think about it. Don't worry about it.
Let me ask you.
There are people, they have daughters,
who have boyfriends who actually speak.
He speaks. I've heard him speak. He just doesn't speak
in a language that, I happen to know.
That's all. It's Turkish.
Turkish? I don't think so. More like Arabic or Farsi.
Anyway, he's very sweet. Ugh.
OK. Sweet is good.
Who cares? We're back home.
[Porter whispering, grunting]
ELLIE: I love you.
[Ellie laughs]
[Thud]
[Laughing] I can't believe it.
Who was it?
[Laughing] I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know, honey.
Uh, Yolanda, could you just, uh,
lift that up for me a little?
Thank you.
YOLANDA: Gracias.
[Both speaking spanish]
Um, uh, Yolanda's new boyfriend...
Alejandro.
When did Alejandro move in?
The day after you and Mom left.
He's a good guy, Dad.
And why is Alejandro not wearing a shirt?
That's what he's used to-- living in the jungle.
Living in a jungle? I'm just curious.
Why would he be living in a jungle?
Because that's where his group lived.
His group. Is that botanists?
No, his political group.
El compañeros de la muerte.
"The companions of death?"
That's colourful.
Yeah. They plan to overthrow their government
and establish a regime of democratic ideals
and crop sharing.
No better place to start than right here on Fifth Avenue.
Central Park has always needed a good crop-sharing program.
Ha! Ha.
That--that's really fucking funny.
[Chuckling]
Dad, did you see, uh, Holly's stud?
Holly's stud?
Show him, Holly.
Isn't that great?
ELLIE: Let me see.
You ever worry about swallowing it?
Yeah. Actually I did twice, but I got it back.
How--how did, uh...
[Gasps] Ooh.
It's been a long day. I'm gonna pack it in.
Uh, me, too. Honey, I'm just--
No. Omar wants to say something to you.
Really? You do? That's wonderful.
Huh?
[Foreign accent] Mizz, Misserrr...
Stob--
Stodd. Stodd?
Stoddard. Honey.
Stobb-ard.
Stoddard.
Welgome. Wel-goom...
hone.
Oh, OK.
Welgoom hone. Hone.
Huh. Hone. Home. Welcome home. That's so nice of you.
Very good. Very good.
Very well said. Thank you. Thank you.
[Jackhammer]
MAN: Hey, Steve!
[Men talking]
MAN: Congruity with the rest of the--
What is the man saying?
That--that the frame for the Millennium Museum of
Architecture shouldn't be making an architectural statement?
I mean, you got to make a statement.
The thing is a--is a gateway. It's beautiful.
Absolutely. It's perfect.
What is Mrs Hadley making for lunch?
She's making romoroli.
Romoroli?
Mm-hmm. What's romoroli?
Oh, it's this Indonesian thing. Little pieces of meat and fish
sort of jammed together on a stick.
Oh, good, good. I hate little pieces of meat and fish
jammed together on a stick.
Sweetie, it's not for you.
It's for the design conference people from Japan. Remember?
What are they coming here for?
They want to see my design... and they want to meet everybody.
[Quacking]
[Dogs whimpering]
No! Aah. [Arf]
Ohh! Oh, my God!
Get away! Get away from her!
[Groaning]
ELLIE: Are you all right?
Don't worry. Here.
[Groaning]
Oh. All right. Oh, my God. Here.
Are you OK? Come on. Why don't you go inside.
[Barking]
ALICE: Come on, girl. Get over here. Come on!
Come on! Come on!
[All speaking Japanese]
Weathered shingles.
Double-hung windows...
Hello! Hi! Welcome. Hi.
Sorry, everybody. I'm thrilled to introduce you to my son
and my daughter.
[Speaking Japanese]
This is Alice and Tom. Thank you.
Anyway, I'm sure everybody must be hungry.
Oh. Oh!
[Thud]
Mrs Stoddard, I think your handyman just fell off the roof.
ELLIE: Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, he's fine. That's Porter. That's just...
Her Porter fell off the roof.
Porter is-- Porter's my husband.
Sirs, that's fine. That's OK. He's fine.
Thank you. Don't worry. Have some of this lovely cake.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Oh?
What?
Where?
You're joking.
You're not joking?
Oh...
[Thunder]
[Pop]
Excuse me. Have you seen Mr Stoddard...
anywhere?
MAN: Who?
MONA: Porter!
Hey, ho, what's going on?
I'm very angry with you, Porter Stoddard.
You're my oldest friend. How could you let this happen?
What? What?
What are you talking about?
How could you not tell me? You know every move of Griffin.
Who is she? Who is she?
Yeah, who is she?!
It's not insane! I saw them! I went. I followed them.
What'd he say? What did he say?
I will never speak to that man again.
Never!
You probably saw him with some client.
Oh, play golf. Play golf.
A client, for God's sakes.
You'll be next, gentlemen.
[Mona crying]
[Mona sobs]
[Sobs]
Ow! Ooh!
Carlos, I'm so-- I'm sorry, Carlos.
Ellie, I think, uh, we've got a problem.
Which one? Social problem.
No, no, no. which one of these?
Mona caught Griffin.
Porter, could just help me for one second.
Now, I have to submit 7 samples.
If you were on this awards committee, right,
which one would you be most impressed by, huh?
Did you hear what I said? Mona caught Griffin.
Yeah, Mona caught Griffin. Yeah, I heard you, darling.
What was he doing? Oh, wait.
You don't mean that he--
Yes, I do. I don't believe it.
No. You should believe it.
He couldn't possibly do that.
He--he did it. With who?
Some redhead. She saw them.
She saw them doing what?
Doing what? What people do when they--
Porter, please, please get off my floor!
Honey, I'm sure it's all just a mistake.
She said she's gonna divorce him.
No, she won't. What do you think? Plaid or boutique?
[Orchestra music playing]
But I'll tell you, on this finger,
the wedding ring is not--oh!
You know, whatever this big secret is,
it better be worth getting lime disease.
Ha ha ha.
[Laughs nervously]
Are you having an affair?
No.
Huh, no.
[Laughs] No. Ha ha ha ha!
No.
Yes, I am.
Not good. Not good.
I--I need to know how you know about this
because I don't want Mona to find out about it.
Mona told me. Huh?
She followed you this afternoon. She followed you
What did she say?
She saw you with some redhead in some motel off the highway.
What did you say for me? That's all I'm asking.
I stood up for you, but I don't have material here
to work with, do I? What is going on?
What's the matter with you?
How come she hasn't said anything to me about it?
She hasn't said anything to me about it.
Maybe she won't.
You all right?
Are you all right?
Go.
Are you all right?
I--just...
[Crying]
I think I asked you to leave me alone.
Don't look at me.
Mona, I-- Don't talk to me!
Can I think about you? No.
TOM: Unh, yeah.
HOLLY: Oh, right there. Oh, right there.
Oh, Holly. Oh, my God.
Holly! Ohh!
Don't stop!
Oh, God!
ALICE: Ahh, Omar.
Omar!
Omar! Omar!
Omar! Aah.
[All moaning at once]
ALEJANDRO: Aah! Yolanda!
YOLANDA: Dios mio, Papi!
[Both moaning and speaking spanish]
[Bedsprings squeaking]
[Thumping, shouting]
ALEJANDRO: Yolanda!
Ah, Omar.
Sit down.
Heshushatoona.
Hesh...
Heshushatoona.
No, no, no. It's, uh...
I--I never eat heshbitshatoon
late at night.
"Riz...Riz..."
Rice Krispies. Rice Krispies.
Yeah.
Snag, kringle, poop.
Exactly. Yeah.
Hijole! Heh heh.
Alejandro, sit down.
Gracias.
De nada.
Ah, ha ha ha!
[Speaking Spanish]
Hmm? No, no. Thank you.
Oh. Ha ha ha. Señor worm.
Worm.
Muy bueno.
Give you [Speaking Spanish]
Tu sabes?
Jesus Christ.
Hola! Join us.
[Man whistles]
Ah, Mr Stoddard.
A friend is waiting for you upstairs.
PORTER: Oh, good.
Calm? I am calm. That's good.
And I made a decision calmly and dispassionately...
That's good.
To string Griffin up by his balls.
Mona!
Please, please try the chocolate mousse.
It's a poem.
Thank you very much.
She's called a lawyer.
What lawyer?
Suttler.
Suttler?
David "The Shark" Suttler?
Well, I didn't read the whole card.
Who recommended him?
You did.
I don't know how you got yourself into this thing.
I just--I don't-- I don't get it.
Come on. Are you telling me that in 25 years you haven't--
No. One--
You haven't one time?
No.
You're kidding. No.
Not once? No.
Ever? No.
Oh, come on.
No. I'm not making a big deal.
Have you thought about it?
I'm a normal guy. OK?
Well.
Several times I've thought of it.
Thought about it numerous, numerous,
numerous times.
Numerous times, but, you know, you really think
that I'm some kind of a--
of a... a stiff.
I was gonna say prude. OK?
But you get to a certain age...
some things become important that weren't important before.
We're not kids anymore. What is important is continuity...
Mm-hmm.
Stability...
I don't know how you got yourself into this situation.
You know, sometimes you're very judgemental.
Which way you going?
Uh, what, uh, which way you going?
Downtown. Downtown.
Yeah. OK. I'll see you later.
OK.
Ohh!
Let's be realistic about this, though.
I am being realistic.
As I recall, you had a thing few years ago.
Not to bicker-- I mean, I don't--what?
I'm talking about Hans. Hans?
I--I don't know anybody named Hans.
Oh, you mean Fritz.
Oh, yeah, exactly. I mean Fritz.
Yeah, but you know what? Fritz was 11 years ago,
Griffin and I had an argument, he was from Europe,
he didn't speak English, so it does not count.
It doesn't count, huh? No.
Oh, I wish I had known that.
Can I say something? Could you think about compassion
or even possibly forgiveness?
What about betrayal? What about humiliation?
Look. I understand how you feel.
You don't know how I feel, Ellie.
Imagine if it was Porter.
Oh, that's absurd. Porter would never do anything like that.
Well, of course not. It's not his style. He's like a rock.
[Thunder booms]
[Giggles]
Ever been married?
I am married.
Huh? Hmm.
He reminds me of you.
Really. Yeah.
Yeah. He's really, really mature.
Really.
That's what I love most, you know-- maturity, dependability.
Mm-hmm. Where is he?
He's right over there.
Hmm. Heh.
He's over 200 years old.
Huh. Hmm.
Must be exhausted.
[Thunder cracks]
Unh! Huh!
[Car horn honks]
Forget your umbrella, did you, Mr Stoddard?
Yes, uh... yes, I did.
Uh, Barney, you got any idea what time it is?
Uh, 10 past 11.00, Mr Stoddard.
Thank you, thank you.
Did you forget your watch, too, Mr Stoddard?
Yes, I did, Barney. Thank you.
[Voices on TV]
TV: What about books?
So architecture should be like great works of art.
So what you feel...
How'd you make out?
What?
With Griffin-- how'd it go?
Fine. Just fine.
He's gonna do what's best.
For who?
For everybody concerned: Mona, uh, for himself,
and, uh... yeah.
Ahem.
No. Hey, don't do that, please. I was watching.
You were sleeping. No, I wasn't.
Your eyes were closed.
I was watching through my eyelids.
You're very strange.
Yes, I am, aren't I?
Yes.
But strange is good, isn't it?
Sometimes, yeah.
That's what he said on television.
He was saying that about new buildings.
That they work best when they're a combination of the new--
no, not the new, I mean the strange.
Uh, strange and familiar. Strange and familiar.
Yeah. Phillip Johnson.
New buildings like old relationships.
That's very good. Very good.
Where you going?
Uh, kitchen. Gonna get something sweet.
Honey...
there's a cello in the fridge.
[Thunder]
What did you say?
I said, "There's Jello in the fridge."
I consider it my duty as a first step to ask you
to take some time, revisit your true feelings for each other,
and consider the gravity of this step you're about to take.
I think that's a good idea.
Don't you?
OK, I'm finished.
Excellent.
Let's move on.
All right. Now...
I have here a complete list of all your possessions,
real estate, securities, East Hampton house,
Mississippi house, art objects, et cetera.
All of which are in your name.
Who advised you on this?
You did.
Right. Ahem.
Except for one item.
A cabin in Sun Valley.
It's near Sun Valley.
It's not near Sun Valley, Griffin.
It's in Sun Valley.
How do you wish to dispose of it?
He can have it.
Thank you.
* Both day and night
* And night and day
* You're gonna see a lot of me *
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking women know.
Women know?
I knew that this was gonna happen.
I knew it.
You want to be honest about this thing?
You want to just put it out on the table?
I knew when we came here that very first time.
You remember when Griffin didn't even look at Mona?
It was like Mona was somebody in Cleveland.
He was, like, completely fixated on that idiot--
Yeah. Ha ha! What's so funny?
Yeah. No. I know. You're right.
He was looking at that hat-check girl.
Yeah. It was embarrassing.
But, let's be fair to the guy. I mean, he's--
I just feel badly for Mona.
I feel badly for her. She's my oldest friend,
but I feel-- She's lost.
Actually, she's lost, Porter.
I think you should go and help her.
You should help her with that house down in Mississippi.
Sure. Want me to do that?
Would you do that for me? Sure. Sure.
Do you know how lucky we are?
I do know.
Oh, I could kick myself for not seeing this coming.
Come on. Nobody saw it coming.
You all right?
No. Don't speak.
I'm having a little trouble breathing, that's all.
[Sighs] Look at me. What?
Look at what he's doing to me. I'm a mess.
Why do you want to give so much power?
You're an amazing woman. You got a second chapter ahead of you.
Really? Of course you do.
I wouldn't lie to you.
Really?
Of course not. Come on.
You know, I'm gonna start that new second chapter off
with a wee-wee.
Hi. My name is Porter Stoddard.
Eugenie. I'm, uh...
An architect.
Yeah, I'm an archi--
How did you know I was an architect?
I love to fuck architects.
Heh heh! Heh heh!
OK.
That's your way of making fun of me?
[Giggling]
Yes.
Well, very nice, uh, nice meeting you,
whoever you are.
THANKS.
MONA: We're here. This is it.
PORTER: Great. Great.
MONA: I knew you'd love it.
Just look at this house!
Wow! Oh!
Uh, what is all that growing around there?
Oh. Excuse me, what's this called?
Kudzu.
It's Kudzu, Porter.
Kudzu. Yeah.
[Sighs]
I'm going to live here...
Full time?
With my people.
When did you decide that?
Just now I thought of it. What do you think?
Well, I think it's a little isolated, to tell you the truth.
Well, I'm so trapped in New York,
and I want to live off the land.
Live off the land. Huh.
This is my home.
This feels--Porter, this is worth saving.
Yeah, a little painting, plumbing,
you know, re-strip the floors.
Yeah. Come on. I want to show you something.
PORTER: Well, this place looks good. I think this is terrific.
If you don't go out, how are you gonna meet people?
MONA: It's amazing! I am so happy.
Why don't you give him a little smile?
A smile? Smile.
[Sighs] OK.
What?
I'm very rusty at all of this. This is just, you know--
That's normal. That's normal. Come on. Give him another smile.
Oh, my God.
Give him something. Give him...
There you go. It's like riding a bicycle!
Once you know how, you know how.
I'm gonna go to the ladies' room.
That's a good idea. Good.
* I can't stand the rain *
Excuse me. Do we know each other?
MONA: Oh, no. I don't think so, no.
You want to dance?
MONA: Yeah. OK.
* Came with the rain
* Do you remember
* Ooh, how sweet it used to be? *
* When we were together
* Everything was so grand *
* No, I can't stop The rain on my windowpane *
Can't stop...oh.
Oh, honey, you are--
oh, you are-- you big, strong,
reliable, steady- as-a-fucking-rock,
beautiful friend.
[Sighs]
It's hot.
I'm sorry about the air conditioning.
What air conditioning?
Exactly.
Heh!
I--I--good night.
[Squeaking]
[Gasps]
[Squeaking] [Gasps]
Are you OK?
Huh?
I think we have a family of bats.
Yeah. It's fine.
You know, I think there's some kind of an insect
in my water there.
Look what I found. What's that?
Look.
Heh heh!
That's--that's our--that's--
that's the Fourth of July.
I'm 17. I think I'm 17 there.
I think you're, what? I'm 12.
I think you're still 12.
That's your father's old truck.
You know, he never--
* Doo *
* Doo doo doo doo doo doo *
* Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *
Mona?
* Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *
Mona?
Mona!
Come here, poochie.
[Woof woof woof]
Come on.
Welcome back, Mr Stoddard.
How are you? Fine.
Do you know if Mrs Stoddard is upstairs?
She's at a movie with your kids and the Armenian fella.
Your daughter's boyfriend.
You think he's Armenian, huh?
Ooh, a lady came by and dropped this for you.
Ah! My watch. That's great. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
She was a beautiful girl.
Beautiful, was she? Uh-huh.
She was kind of dirty blonde.
Yeah. Dirty blonde.
Beautiful and dirty blonde.
Well, you know, she fixed my watch.
My watch was broken, and so she fixed it for me.
That's what she does. She's an expert in watches.
Also clocks. Very expert.
[Dogs barking]
Hey. Hey, hey, boys.
ELLIE: Hello? Anybody home?
Hey, you're back.
That looks good. Yeah.
God, am I hungry. Honey, no. Let me do that for you.
I'm better with a knife than you are.
Go sit down. That's OK.
You went to the movies with the kids?
Yeah. But I want to know about Mona. What's going on?
Fine. She's fine. What'd you see?
Well, Tom and Holly saw this movie
filled with all these dirty jokes
that they had to repeat to me,
most of which, of course, I didn't understand.
Do you know what corn-holing is?
Corn-holing? Mm-hmm.
Uh, after my sandwich, OK?
I'm worried about Mona, though.
Why?
Think she's getting laid?
Getting laid?
Yeah, as a professional, what's your opinion?
What does that mean?
I mean, as a man. What's your opinion?
I haven't given it any thought.
I'll tell you what I think. She has a high aptitude for sex.
I'm surprised you haven't noticed.
You've been friends forever.
I'll ask her. What movie did you see?
Oh, God. You would hate this movie so much.
It was a woman's movie, OK?
It was about this sweet woman married to this sweet man,
then she discovers that he's having an affair
with his secretary, only he doesn't know she knows,
and then she just loses it, she pushes him out the window.
Oh. So she's a murderer.
This sandwich is so delicious.
He doesn't die.
Oh, yeah. He's just completely broken up.
He can't walk, he can't talk, and then she takes him home
after this series of very painful operations,
and she nurses him back to health, and then...
she kills him.
She pushes him out the same window.
Anyway, can you tell Mona
that I really want to talk to her about this whole mess?
This was so good. You ought to try one.
PORTER: Let's sit down and talk, OK?
I think--I think--
I think we ought to sit down a minute.
You know, I think if we sit down,
and we just talk, OK?
I think we need to talk about this.
I think we go on like nothing ever happened.
We make a--a--pfft-- clean slate.
[Doorbell rings]
MONA: Door's open.
Porter.
Uh...
uh, anybody here?
No.
I think, uh...
I think we've got to talk about this.
Yeah. Don't even say it. I'm there.
Really? Yeah.
We just go on like nothing ever happened?
Yeah. Nothing ever happened.
Great. People make mistakes.
That's right. We made a mistake.
We'll give ourselves a--pfft--clean slate.
Clean slate.
[Exhales]
[Giggles]
[Groaning]
[Moaning]
[Groans]
ELLIE: Mona!
Mona!
[Whispers] Oh, my God. It's Ellie.
Get up. Get up.
ELLIE: Mona!
Go in the bedroom.
ELLIE: Hey, Mona?
Mona!
Oh, yeah. Hi. Hi.
Mona, Porter's having an affair.
No!
Yes.
How'd you find that out?
Somebody called me.
A friend. Friend?
What kind of friend is that?
He's having a affair with a musician.
Oh, a musician.
Yes. Oh.
A cellist.
That's not possible.
Let me get you a cup of coffee.
MONA: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
This is just beyond belief.
You know something? I'm being paid back
for being so damn smug about my own marriage.
I am so sorry, Mona. I wasn't very understanding
of what you were going through with Griffin,
but now that it's happening to me, ha ha! Oh, boy.
No. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Morning.
What are you doing here?
I just came to get my things.
Well, you can't just walk in here.
What do you need? I need my sport coats.
You have to call me ahead of time.
I need to go through lawyers to get my coats.
Yes. Otherwise, I'm gonna get a restraining order!
Oh. For my sport coats? Yeah.
And my special hangers? Hello, Ellie.
MONA: Wait a minute! Get down here.
Let me tell you. it's not a good time.
This isn't a good time for me. I have to be seen driving a van.
Wait a minute. What do you need?
I need my sport coats and my special hangers.
All right. Stay right there. Don't come up here.
So, what's new, Ellie?
Well, you know... None of it's easy.
Oh, where are you?
Oh, all this because of me. How do I do this?
[Whispers] Is he coming upstairs?
Are you fucking a cellist? Oh!
You better have a damn good story when you get home.
Here's your sport coats,
and go with God.
Hey, did you see my golf shoes up there?
No. You took your golf shoes.
No, I didn't. I think they're up there.
No, they're not up there. They're not there.
I'll get them, 'cause I have to go to the bathroom anyway.
ELLIE: Mona. Mona. Mona.
I really don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, you know,
I mean, absolutely being realistic in a marriage,
I mean, is never as simple
as one person doing something to the other person
without the other person being somehow complicit, am I right?
Mm-hmm.
I can't believe what I just saw.
How could you have?
How could you have used my shaver?
This is hair from your leg. We had this discussion.
[Zips bag]
Your hair is all over it.
You're insane.
[Exhales]
Listen. Huh?
You know what you have to do? No.
You have to confront him.
He's in the city. Let's go.
Are you gonna come with me? Yeah.
All right. I'll get my keys.
Get your car.
Yeah. All right.
Mona, thank you. You're such a good friend.
Thank you so much.
PORTER: You would actually think
that I would put our marriage into that kind of jeopardy?
You think I would put our marriage into jeopardy?
No. You actually--
you actually think that I would put our marriage
into that kind of jeopardy?
You actually think I'd put our marriage
into that kind of jeopardy?
You actually think--
you actually think that I would put our marriage
into that kind of jeopardy?
You would...
just think about it.
Look. Here he is.
Porter!
Well, how are you? How are you?
Such wonderful news.
What are you doing here?
Your housekeeper said you were on your way.
My housekeeper? You spoke to my housekeeper?
I was waiting here, but I only have a few minutes to go back.
OK. Well, honey, I'll get you a cab.
Barney, you want to get a cab for the young lady?
I've got such wonderful news.
Alex, listen.
You can't be late for rehearsal, 'cause rehearsals are sacred,
you know? News, news happens every day.
Taxi! Listen to me!
It's too amazing. I'm so happy ever since I got the report.
You know, from the doctor.
[Whistle blowing fades]
Barney.
[Resumes blowing whistle]
What--what are you-- what are you--
are you telling me-- are you telling me that you're pregnant?
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
How do I look? All right.
Isn't it remarkable? That's it. Remarkable.
Tell me you're happy for me. And proud? You're proud?
I want you to be proud.
Proud, yes, proud.
'cause you know what? All my life, I wanted everything,
and now I've got it all-- my life, my music, my baby.
Your taxi.
Yeah, OK. Good. Good.
We'll talk about this later, OK?
I hope so. Be happy, Porter.
You, too, Barney. Be happy.
Sweet girl, huh?
[Ding]
Hi.
Ahem.
What's going on?
[Glasses clink]
Everything OK?
Porter, I want to ask you a question.
All right. Before you answer it, I want you to think about
what marriage is. I mean, to me,marriage is about trust.
That's all it is, and I believe an honest marriage
can survive anything, but a dishonest marriage--
to me, it's no marriage at all.
Right.
Are you having an affair?
Of course.
Porter.
Wh--what--wh--
[Laughs]
Are you asking me if I'm having an affair?
Are you serious? Is she serious?
Hilarious! Ha ha ha!
Well, I better be going.
No, no.
No, no. Wait a minute. No, Mona. Stay.
PORTER: Stay! Stay!
All right. We can just forget it. It's not important.
It's not important?
If somebody's saying something, I'd like to know what it is.
Well, a friend of mine said that she saw you
with a young woman. A cellist.
And you actually think that I would put our marriage
into that kind of jeopardy?
Well, I don't know, Porter. I just--
I got scared. Scared?
Don't you think it might be a good idea
to take a look at this person and examine whether or not
they actually are your friend, you know?
Because if you needed to, you could always
find a hundred special prosecutors to come up
with a story you're looking for, but it might be a good idea
if you would just examine yourself and why you need
to believe something that would make you pursue
a sordid little fishing expedition like this.
This is--this is-- well, no. I guess you--no.
You have the temerity, you have the audacity,
you have the heartlessness,
without a shadow of a fraction of a moment
of a scintilla of a tiny atom of a doubt
to think that I would put our marriage
into that kind of jeopardy?
That's just fine, Ellie! Oh, that's just fine!
25 years! I would have thought better of you, Ellie,
but that's fine! That's fine! Good! Fine!
25 years!
Her name is Alex. She does play the cello.
You son of a bitch!
Oh, Ellie.
Yeah. It's all right. I knew.
I knew it. I knew this.
This is exactly what you would fall for--
some struggling musician
you could take care of, with a big, resonating box
between her legs.
God damn it, Porter.
We have been together for so many years, I think I forgot
how little backbone you actually have.
An honest marriage can survive anything. You just said--
Oh, this is about you and your big, stupid cock.
See you later.
So, uh, wh-what are you saying? You don't want to work it out?
Look around you, Porter. Look at this life,
and when you realize how much work it took
to make you the completely successful man you are
instead of the sneaky, pussy-crazed slob
you were genetically programmed to become,
then maybe you can understand,
insofar as it is possible for you to understand,
how deeply I hurt.
You're right.
You know, Porter,
I'm afraid this one's a little out of my league.
I'm gonna let you handle this on your own.
I mean, other emergencies, you know, like life-threatening
illnesses and things like that, I think I'm the kind of person
you want on your team, but the cellist?
You'll forgive me if I don't join you for dinner tonight.
[Door slams]
Oh, shoot.
ELLIE: Ha! OK. OK.
Ha ha ha!
Ha!
OK. Uhh!
Aah!
Asshole. OK.
Hey.
You look awful.
[Sneezes]
Thanks.
Have you talked to Ellie on the phone?
I can't.
She's threatened to take out a restraining order.
Yeah. Mona's answering machine says,
"Hi, it's Mona. Leave me a message.
I'll call you unless I've ever been married to you."
Well, she's funny. Yeah, funny.
And smart.
Smart and sexy, don't you think?
Sexy?
[Sniffs]
Um...
Griffin, I don't think people who are really friends
should keep secrets from each other.
That's absolutely right.
I didn't see it coming. I just didn't. I didn't see it coming.
I just didn't. I didn't.
No. Of course not. How could you? I mean, you know why?
Because it's something you hide and then you deny.
Well, I mean, nobody planned it.
Of course not.
It's programmed. It's genetic.
You really believe that?
It happened to me. It could have happened to either of us.
I guess that depends on how you feel about Ellie.
She's--I mean, uh...
How I feel about Ellie?
Like you and whoever the redhead was,
that--I'm sure that you were just looking for...
something that was out of the ordinary,
something that-- Different.
Different, yeah. Ellie is a woman, Mona's a woman,
and they're very complicated. They're very... complicated.
We think we know all--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. For God's sake,
what you're saying is so interesting.
You're saying that-- Yeah.
No, not--but--
I'm not saying that necessarily is the case, because--
But that they could?
Does that shock you?
No, no, no. Frankly, it gets me a little hot.
Ha ha ha! Gets you hot.
Yeah.
Really?
Have you ever seen them kiss?
Yeah, well, they kiss all the time.
Really? With tongues?
Griffin, what are we talking about?
Huh? What? I don't know.
I thought I was just gonna tell you that I'm...
What?
I was gonna tell you that I'm--I'm... going to Sun Valley.
Oh, to the cabin, huh? Yep.
Well, that's smart. Get away from everything
and just get a clear perspective.
You want to go with?
Why would I do that?
To get away, get a clear perspective.
Oh. Smart. Yeah.
What would we do there?
What difference does it make? You're sleeping in the office.
She's talking about a restraining order.
Listen, as people get older, they become more who they are,
and accepting that can be very freeing.
Sun Valley, it's so inspirational.
There's this bracing air and these cold spring torrents
and then there's these little kind of all weird little
animal species, and that's just inside. What do you say?
PORTER: Well, it worked for Ernest Hemingway, didn't it?
Maybe Sun Valley could be the perfect solution.
Hemingway, our greatest writer, he returned to Idaho
to the sky and the snow and the stars,
and he communed with nature.
He fished, he hunted, he wrote, he...
he shot himself.
Oh, well.
[Wolf howls]
Huh, yeah.
Nice. What do you think?
Nice wood. Nice wood. Who built it?
Actually, beavers built it. There used to be a river
that flowed right through here.
Really? And the telephone? Where's the telephone?
There is no phone. I told you it was just you, me, and wolves.
This place cleans up so nicely.
What are the sleeping arrangements?
GRIFFIN: That's it. Just one mattress.
You don't snore, do you?
No. Only in the day time.
At night I just, you know, tend to weep.
Why don't I take the couch?
Because then, it'll be like we're married.
Yeah, I think we'll be very happy together.
GRIFFIN: Well, you know, or not.
Yeah. Or not.
[Breathing heavily]
This is... freezing.
[Growls menacingly]
Oh!
[Thud]
GRIFFIN: I'm OK.
Ahem.
Do you have worms?
Fly fishing?
PORTER: Yeah.
You never fly fish with anything alive.
Dead worms.
What are you gonna be doing for Halloween?
Where are you fishing? The river.
Did you ever consider getting a spinning outfit?
Maybe for Halloween, huh?
PORTER: Uh, how deep is this river?
Not very deep. Do you want beetles, ants, or wet nymph?
Uh... Wet nymph?
A bug in its nymph phase. Floats to surface,
hatches, dries its wings, flies into a bush,
crashes into the water, lays eggs and dies.
GRIFFIN: Oh, my God.
Where's the male? Miles away.
Well, isn't that a familiar story? Ha ha.
Heh heh.
[Telephone rings]
Oh. No, your pumpkin.
[Telephone rings]
This is Ellie Stoddard. I'm not in, or I'm asleep.
Leave a message.
[Beep]
PORTER: Ellie, it's me. Pick up, will you?
Ellie, will you please pick up? I need to talk to you.
Alice, don't even think about it. All right?
I need to talk to you. Please?
Sorry-- [Beep]
GRIFFIN: Goes like this first.
Hold still. Got it.
WOMAN: Hello!
Hello! Up here!
Hi. Remember me from the plane to Mississippi?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
My name's Eugenie.
Eugenie Claybourne.
Porter. Porter Stoddard.
Yes, I know. Porter Stoddard.
This is my friend-- Griffin.
Griffin, uh...
Why don't you come see me? I'm at the lodge.
Oh, uh, I don't get into town much.
I really need to see you.
I have something very important to tell you.
What about? What do you--
GRIFFIN: Watch it. Watch it. Watch it.
You all right?
[Laughing]
Help.
Oh, I bruised myself on the rock.
[Eugenie laughing]
Hi.
How are you?
Oh, sit down. Sit down.
You remember Griffin?
Griffin. Oh, I love the name Griffin.
I had a lovely friend named Griffin.
Lovelier than me?
He died terribly young.
Oh.
In Borneo. We were to be married.
Sorry. That is too bad.
A tribe found him floating in his canoe, half-delirious,
and they took him back to their wagas.
Wagas?
That's what they call their huts.
Right.
And they tended to him and nursed his wounds and all...
When he was better, they cooked him and ate him.
Do you mean they actually--
Do you mind if we don't talk about this? It's upsetting.
Where are you going?
I'm going to my waga.
You can handle this on your own.
It's amazing how much this place has changed.
When my parents built their house, it was just ranchers
and a few ski bums.
Your parents have a house here?
My father still loves to ski. He won a gold medal in biathlon.
The biathlon?
Skiing and shooting.
Wow. Shooting and skiing. When was that? What Olympics?
I'm not telling you.
Uh-huh.
1952. Oslo. Ha ha ha. Ahh...
He, uh, he came up here to be with Ernest. He was devoted.
Ernest Hemingway? Yes.
Are they here right now? I'd love to meet 'em.
My parents? Yeah.
Your parents are, uh, very traditional.
They're gonna like you very much.
[Loud crash] WOMAN: Oh!
[Crash]
Buttons! Ha ha.
Daddy.
[Loud crash]
[Woman yelling]
What the Sam Hill is that noise? Mother?
EUGENIE: Daddy, this is Porter Stoddard.
You look a little soft. Are you out of shape?
No. I do my 100 sit-ups every day.
Unh. Uh, hello.
Who's the stud?
Mother, this is Porter Stoddard.
So, what brings you up the mountain?
A vacation. Vacation.
Heh. Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain
19,710 feet high,
said to be the highest mountain in Africa.
The Western Summit is called by the Massai
Negaji Negai-- a House of God.
Close to the summit lies the dried and frozen carcass
of a leopard.
No one has ever explained what the leopard was seeking
at that altitude. Hemingway.
I understand that you were an intimate of Hemingway's.
Intimate? Is that some kind of homo thing?
Take your finger out of your bunghole, paragreem.
Where's my drink?
MR CLAYBOURNE: Where's the swizzle stick?
Just stir it with that big swinging dick of yours.
Aren't they wonderful?
Uh, Eugenie tells me that you won gold in the biathlon.
It was 1952. Norway. It snowed heavily--
just give him his fucking drink, you old muff-diver.
EUGENIE: Mother, please.
Henry, you cocksucker,
could we have some ice over here, please?
Don't pay any attention to her.
Nah. Thank you.
Mother, I think you really have a problem.
You are damned right I have a problem.
He won't do it to me anymore.
Yes, his limp carrot is the root of all my problems.
All my doctors tell me so.
Cheers.
Every motherfucking one of them.
Fucking... going back upstairs.
[Crash]
Heh.
With 6-foot drifts, there's no getting down
the mountain tonight. So, good night, Stoddard.
You'll be sleeping in Button's room,
and Button's sleeping in my den.
MR CLAYBOURNE: Good night, sweetheart.
EUGENIE: Good night, Daddy.
[Baby laughing]
That tickles. Ha ha ha!
[Eugenie whispering] Hi.
Hi.
Oh, no. What?
They can't be down here. They'll be angry.
Who?
Huh?
Thomas has Stuffy. Boogly Boo has Fluffy.
The other Ted has Pillow and Floppy,
and Rocket has Stiffy.
Stiffy? Yeah.
[Sighs]
Do you think this is a good idea? I think your father--
You're Floppy. No, I just--
You be Floppy. I'll be Fluffy.
Uh...oh, OK.
I'm Floppy?
Mmm.
[Loudly moaning]
Ohh! Ah!
Ahh! Ahh! Mmm. Mmm.
[Mr Claybourne clears throat]
Uh, hi, Mr Claybourne. We're just playing.
I'm, uh, I'm Floppy. You know this game?
Yes. I know Floppy well...
and all his friends.
[Toy squeaks]
Stoddard, I'm not a prude, but... let me put it this way:
Button is a princess, you see.
And that makes you the prince. The prince must fight a dragon
to get to his princess.
I am that dragon.
And you, Button...
are my Boogly Boo.
Oh, Daddy.
Stoddard...
[Roars]
Night, Daddy.
Ah, OK.
I'm so sleepy.
You don't want to play?
Well, I'm a little sleepy.
Hmm. Well, let's just cuddle.
OK. OK.
Just because you made one bad choice in a woman
doesn't mean we sit around all night.
I mean, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
I wonder what fish say.
Hey, there's plenty of chicks on the beach. Ha ha.
Hey, look who's here.
Whoosh!
* Happy birthday to you
* Happy birthday, Mr President *
* Happy birthday to you *
Remember?
GRIFFIN: From the hardware store.
You asked me what I was doing on Halloween.
This is what I'm doing. I'm gonna party with you guys.
That's fantastic. We can't do that.
Why not? Yeah. Why not?
Because we're on a sort of a retreat.
Wow, who's reading Solzhenitsyn?
That's fantastic. Aren't they great, the Russians?
Dostoyevsky, Gogol, Turgenev.
All that gloom and loneliness and desperation.
Are you guys gay? Hey, I don't mind.
You know, couple of guys out here in the middle of nowhere
reading books about men all jammed in prison together.
Huddled together for warmth and companionship.
Well, you know, there's no reason we couldn't go
to the party for just, like, an hour, huh?
What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
To get your costumes.
What do you think of Pushkin, huh?
Hey, you're going as Pushkin.
[Marilyn Monroe sings] * A kiss on the hand
* May be quite continental
* But diamonds are a girl's best friend *
* A kiss may be grand
* But it won't pay the rental on your humble flat *
This is stupid, Tom!
Why would your father come to a godforsaken place like this?
Maybe he wanted to get away from irritating women.
Maybe that's it.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna see if anybody here could help us, OK?
[Tango playing]
Champagne and a cherry.
Will you get me another margarita?
Thank you.
Hey, I need another margarita. I'm sweating.
You're what? I'm sweating.
You should be sweating. It's hot, and you're a polar bear.
And we're in the continental United States. Ha ha.
Listen, I want to go talk to that spider by the door.
Which spider?
The one with the 6 legs.
Would you just keep Marilyn occupied for a couple minutes?
No.
For the king? For the king, you'd do it--
I need a margarita. I'm sweating.
I think the straw went down my leg.
He's the only one who had sympathy from him
because he was so deaf from the bells.
What?
He was deaf from the bells, you know.
And Esmeralda is the only one who felt bad
and had pity towards him because he was deaf.
What? He was deaf!
Hi. You know, I gotta tell you, I'm a leg man,
and these 2 have been driving me crazy.
The whole outfit. It's fantastic.
Yeah. Yeah. Yours, too.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
Are you Elvis or Evel Knievel?
Ha ha ha. Heh heh heh.
I'm gonna have to get out of here in a little bit, OK?
I'm sorry. I'm not in a very...
* Sometimes your love
* Is just like cream
* So sweet and wild
* Sometimes your love
* It's just like a menthol
* So cool and nice
I still don't-- It's Elvis.
Oh. Heh. Elvis.
[Salsa music playing]
TOM: You know what? You're wrong. You're wrong. That's all.
You're generalizing. All men are not the same.
All I'm saying is that in my experience--
What experience! You're 19 years old, for godsakes.
You don't have any experience!
All I'm saying is that it's a scientific fact
that the connection between the blood supply
to the brain and the blood supply
to the penis are basically the same.
Hey, you know what? Just don't talk anymore, all right?
[Oldies rock playing from truck]
[Music stops]
[Laughing]
Grrr!
[Woman screams]
Aah! Aah! Aah!
What the hell is that?
[Screaming]
Aah! Aah! Ha ha!
Aah! Ha ha ha.
[Porter growling]
[Laughing]
There's gotta be a hole in here somewhere.
Shh.
Uh-oh.
There's people here.
PORTER: Tom! What a surprise.
Dad?
Yeah. Tom... and Holly...
I can't get this thing off.
This is, uh, Auburn. This is my friend Auburn.
This is Holly, and this is Tom.
That's my son, Tom. Oh.
Let's go.
Tommy. Tom.
Where you going, Tom?
Tommy?
PORTER: OK, OK. If there's one thing I know now,
it's that nothing matters anymore
except going back and fixing this mess,
making Ellie listen to me whether she wants to or not.
Letting her see how much I care,
just taking her in my arms
and saying, "Ellie, I am your husband.
I am not a polar bear. I am not a polar bear."
Stay here.
[Sighs]
I wish he wouldn't get so upset.
Well, he is upset. That man left you
in the middle of the night without a word.
Left you like a used Kleenex.
Oh, mother, but if it doesn't bother me.
Left you like a $2.00 hooker.
Oh, dear.
Ha.
Well, did you kill it, O great white asshole hunter?
[Sighs]
If there's one positive thing that's come from this trip,
it's that I've really grown to love that cabin.
[Explosion]
Oh, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. How are you?
Oh, God. I'm meeting Didié.
Didié, huh? Listen, listen. Things are very clear now.
Things are very clear. I'm completely committed
to my wife and my marriage and I always will be, but I just--
I don't want you to think that
I'm the kind of person who's not going to step up
and take full responsibility.
You know what I mean by responsibility?
Full responsibility?
Huh? Uh, yeah, for the baby, I mean.
A baby? A baby? You're having a baby?
Oh, my God.
Of course, you'll be taking responsibility
at your age. What about your wife?
She must be thrilled having a baby.
Taxi!
Don't you have, like, 2 grown children already?
Listen, there's nothing to be frightened of, Porter.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
Yeah, uh...
Um, Alex.
It sounds like you have the perfect relationship.
Didié and I do, too, and it's not easy, because I'm--
I'm so unpredictable and Didié's such a loner.
But when he found out that he's gonna be a daddy,
that's like--it changed everything between us,
you know? Oh.
But listen, you know when we first met?
Yeah. I had no idea.
No idea? What?
That I was pregnant. I had no idea.
Yeah. Wish me luck, OK?
Good luck, good luck.
Good luck, Porter.
Good luck.
Can I talk to Tom, please?
Stoddard no aqui. Ha ha! No aqui.
¿Donde? If you know what I mean.
Institute Design.
AUBURN: Institution of what?
Institute Design.
OK. All right, uh, gracias.
Hasta luego.
Tom, wait.
Shit.
Tom!
Now, if you'll pardon, it's table number 11.
Your award will be the penultimate.
The penultimate? Oh, my God.
Oh, dear. OK, all right. Prepare to bow.
[All speaking Japanese]
Hello.
[Horns honking]
Porter... have you ever stopped to think about
how little we know about each other?
Good, good--
Sorry.
Thank you so much.
I would like to say a few words about dinnerware and cutlery...
Mom.
Mom?
What?
Wouldn't it be nice if dad were here?
I don't want to talk about that now.
I know, but listen--
Aah!
Oh, my God.
Oh, you stained it.
I'll take care of it. I'll handle it.
I'm sorry.
MONA: Oh, Alice.
She spilled some wine on her, um...
Listen, I've got to tell you about the redhead.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
Why?
Because we're best friends. That's what best friends do.
They share certain important details.
Not now, OK?
MONA: That looks awful.
ELLIE: You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm just gonna lead a nice, simple, quiet, contemplative,
celibate life. I'm just gonna plunge into work. Excuse me.
You're very lucky that you get to plunge into work.
And I have always been so jealous of you, Ellie.
Oh, really? Well, yeah, you're--
Well, let me tell you something. Here's the truth.
I've always been jealous of you.
What? Yes, yes.
That cracks me up. Why?
Because I think Porter always had a kind of thing for you.
You did? Really?
Ellie--
Hi. Hi, hello.
Oh, that's so sad.
That beautiful suit. You need white wine.
BOTH: White wine?
Pulls the red right out.
Oh. What were you saying? Just--
What do you mean? What I was saying?
About him having, like, a thing--
That's a pretty lipstick.
It's called Evening Rose. You want to try it?
Oh, no. Thanks very much.
ALEX: It's for luck. I wear it whenever I play.
What do you play?
Oh, Ravel, Stravinsky, Bach, Haydn--
No, I meant what instrument?
Ellie. Huh?
This is a beautiful building.
I just love architecture, don't you?
My fiancé is an architect.
ALEX: Architect?
We're going to elope tonight.
ALEX: Oh, that's so romantic. God.
You should use hair spray on that.
BOTH: Hair spray? I promise.
I de-stained an entire sofa once with hair spray.
Let's try it. Thank you very much.
You know, I have a friend who is an architect.
Maybe your fiancé knows him.
What's his name?
Hey, excuse me. This thing isn't over, is it?
No, no, but I think you've missed dinner.
That's OK. I ate on the plane.
How'd you get that yellow stain?
BOTH: Yellow.
Actually, I wasn't even invited. I'm sneaking in.
Why?
Oh, boy, it's a long story. Um--
Mom.
Oh, all right. OK, all right.
We're coming. We're coming.
Bye-bye.
I've got to tell you something.
Go ahead.
OK, this is difficult.
Just say it. Just say it.
"Oh, tan-faced prairie boy...
"before you came to camp
"came many a welcome gift.
You came taciturn with nothing to give."
What are you talking about?
DRIVER: "We but looked on each other when lo,
more than all the gifts in the world you gave me."
What?
"Old tan-faced prairie boy."
Whitman.
Make the light, please.
Hi.
[Laughs]
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to see you. Why?
Porter, I want to tell Mona something really,
really important.
What?
That I'm...
that I'm... What?
What, what, what, what?
That I'm--
Pay the man, will you?
Wait. Porter.
Porter, just a second.
Please, um...
And you came all the way just to say--
Yeah, I owed it to to you.
He also said, she is the only woman that he has ever loved,
and he thinks about her all the time, and you and your sister,
and that without you all,
his life would be meaningless.
Can't you understand? It's like getting rid of this burden,
and now I can move forward with my life,
you know, naked and unashamed.
Well not, you know, naked, but--
but certainly not ashamed.
And none of this, Porter, would have happened
if I hadn't gone into that little cafe down in Tribeca.
All I wanted was a café au lait, and I got Walter!
Wish me luck.
Ellie, your handyman.
Oh, no. Shh...
Oh, this is--
Whoa!
PORTER: I'm sorry. This is not the place--
You're embarrassing-- you're embarrassing my family,
you're embarrassing my friends,
and you're embarrassing yourself.
Would you--
Please, pipe down.
Do we have a problem here?
Just pipe down, OK?
OK, if somebody's gonna pipe down,
I think you're gonna be the one.
Security!
You don't have to explain anything.
GRIFFIN: Oh, yes I do.
MAN: Let's go.
Mona, Mona, Mona.
Mona, I'm gay!
I'm a proud, gay, human person.
Bravo.
[Applause]
Did he say "gay"?
BOUNCER: Good night, gentlemen. Good-bye.
Walter...
Where-- where are you going?
Porter, where are you going?
What--Porter, what are you doing?
Oh, that's a bad idea.
HOSTESS: Our next awardee has shown us
that the art of fabric design
is not only alive and well,
but flourishing-- Eleanor Stoddard.
Oh, thank you.
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie.
Oh, Roberta. Thank you very much.
Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie.
I--here.
Porter, Porter! Hi.
Oh. Hi.
Do you know her? Uh, no, no.
The cellist?
Yes, yes. Oh, man.
Oh, Porter.
She's the cellist, right?
What?
Porter, listen, I--
I have to talk to you about something else--
Hi.
Um... Hello again. Hi.
Hi.
I would like to tell you that you have
a really great son... and a great husband. Nothing happened.
We were just in the snow, and I was on top of him
kind of near his face so it looked...
like, um, well, he'll explain it to you.
Get some sleep, OK?
Is there any woman in this room you haven't slept with, Porter?
Obviously not.
MAN: Everybody back.
[Crowd screaming]
Back.
Aah! Oh, my God.
Mr Claybourne. Mr Claybourne.
Mr Stoddard.
You refused my hospitality, you insulted my beloved daughter--
Drop the gun! Drop the gun!
GUARD: Sir, can you explain who this man is?
Can you explain any of this? Sir?
All right, can we just turn our attention
to the last page of the possessions list?
Is there anything missing from it?
Yes, Willie and Charlie.
Ooh, your children.
No, no, no. Our dogs.
Yes, of course. The dogs.
And I'll keep the dogs.
The dogs are better off with me. They're happier with me.
You're the one who said they adored me.
They're intimidated by you. They just pretend to adore you.
they're highly intelligent dogs--
Let's settle the dog issue--
They love being in the country where they were trained.
I did that.
You did that. The country.
I don't think we decided who gets the house.
I have.
I designed the house-- it took 2 years.
I built those rooms with my hands. Did you do that?
I furnished the house-- it took 7 years.
I gave birth to our kids with my own loins. Did you do that?
So, I guess, uh, I'll be living in the apartment.
Yeah?
Did I say that? I don't believe I said that.
Hi.
Didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, no, you didn't scare me.
You startled me. I just wasn't expecting--
To see me? To see you.
Ever?
No, of course not. Not ever.
I mean, I knew I'd bump into you someday. Bless you.
God, have you ever thought of having this stuff cleaned?
I think about it constantly. That comes with a surgical mask.
Don't be funny. What I have come here to say is very serious.
You look great, by the way.
And don't say flattering things, either.
OK. I'll do my best. Anything else I should try to avoid?
I'll tell you as we go along.
How's Ellie? Have you seen her?
I talked to her.
How is she? Terrific.
Good.
How's Porter?
Fabulous.
One birch-bark canoe.
I'll take the canoe.
The canoe goes with the house.
You hate the canoe. I don't hate it.
You get seasick.
I like getting seasick. Besides, the kids like--
The kids? Wait a minute.
We haven't talked about the kids yet.
We're talking about them now.
Could we talk about the children later? That's a different issue.
The children are 65. They're old enough to decide for themselves.
My daughter will decide she wants to be with me.
Oh, so now you want to split up the kids?
If that's what's fair, that's fine.
OK, so fair? So what?
You want one kid and one dog and half the canoe.
Good. A half a canoe would be fine.
Porter, I don't think that that would hold in any court.
Please, let's not talk about courts.
Mona, you don't have to tell me.
Yes, let me get this out. Please, Griffin.
Don't fuck it up. I am telling you,
there are some things that are better left unsaid.
We don't need to know everything.
Can you look me in the eye and say there are some things
that are best left unsaid?
Have you lost your mind?!
After living 20 years of a lie
when the truth would have served us better?
Knowing what I know, at least I could have had
half a chance of a life with somebody who wouldn't make me
feel like a failure.
Oh...
and I spent all those...years
buying lingerie to--
Who'd you think I was buying it for,
Griffin, you?
Some of it.
Well...
I felt cheap in the red teddy.
OK, I've-- that's a joke.
Please. Honey, please don't--
Mona, Mona, listen to me. I know. I know.
You know? Yes.
And it's OK.
Really? Yes.
Oh, honey, you know everything?
Yes.
Oh...
Oh, doesn't this feel good?
Let's just recapitulate.
The Lartique photographs, the Stark chairs.
What about the, um,
season's tickets to the Metropolitan?
Well, I'll take them. I mean...
did you ever use them?
OK, that leaves just one item:
a first edition of Fitzgerald's Tender is the Night.
Did you ever read it?
I read it out loud to you. You had pneumonia.
You cried at the end.
Excuse me.
Women tend to respond strongly to it.
It's very sentimental.
I cried, too.
I prefer Gatsby myself.
Did you ever read it to your wife?
No. Actually, she doesn't like the sound of my voice.
Did I say something funny?
No, you didn't. You said something sad.
SUTTLER: Well, I think we've done very well here.
Don't you, Eleanor?
Yeah.
Porter?
Yes. Very, very well.
Because, if you think you've been treated unfairly
in this process--
It's been very fair. Very fair.
SUTTLER: After all, Porter, if you hadn't--I mean...
none of this would have happened if you hadn't--
I'm sorry. What?
Well, if he hadn't done the...
all the things that...
if he... you know, Ellie.
If he hadn't had-- had relations with--
Oh, come on! He's right! He's right!
It's clear, look at it. I've been a thoughtless sleazebag.
That's exactly right.
Look what I've done.
I've caused pain to everybody in my life
that I loved: my kids, my innocent kids,
my friends, everyone that I know.
My dogs! I've caused pain to my dogs.
And clearly I must have been willing to sacrifice everything
that meant anything at all to me in my life.
Porter, let's not go overboard, all right?
So you're not the perfect person
you thought you were.
I have no idea who I thought I was.
The only thing that I know
is that I'm not who I was when we met.
I'm not a kid. You know?
And I know now that no empty philandering
is gonna make me feel like one,
'cause the only thing that I felt
when I tried it was lonely. Just lonely.
I know I'd do anything to get you back, but I've lost you.
I know that. I got to live with that.
But you are who you were when we met. You're just as beautiful,
you're just as smart, and you're just as honest
as you were the day that I fell in love with you.
And I am a fool.
And I know that.
So, is there anything left?
There's a whole lot left.
Porter.
PORTER: Well, what did you expect, huh?
I mean, come on. Is your marriage perfect?
Have you ever been a fool? You got to keep trying, right?
You got to keep trying, and keep hoping.
You got to keep hoping, I mean...
Hello, Porter.
There's always something left
if 2 people have ever really loved each other.
And, uh...
I've never loved anyone else.
Who knows? Maybe someday she'll, uh...
let me back in the door.
Or, uh... [Chuckles]
maybe after a while she'll even let me upstairs.
[Chuckles] But, uh, for now,
let's just hope she lets me down off this roof.
[Louis Armstrong sings] * Oh, no one to talk with
* By myself
* No one to walk with
* I'm happy on the shelf *
* Ain't misbehavin'
* Savin' my love
* Oh, bubba bubba doodle da zydoo *
* I know for certain *
* The one I love
* I'm through flirtin' *
* It's you that I'm thinking of *
* Ain't misbehavin'
* Savin' love *
* Boddle ah da da doo doo dut *
* Yeah *
* Like Jack Horner
* In the corner
* Don't go nowhere *
* And I don't care
* All your kisses
* Are worth a-waitin' for *
* Believe me *
* I don't stay out late *
* Don't care to go
* I'm home about 8.00
* Me and the radio
* I'll take a drummin', drummin', y'all *